I got 99 problems (and a Royal Baby ain’t one)

I got 99 problems (and a Royal Baby ain’t one)

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So I wake up this morning and turn on the Today show, because that’s how I usually catch with the news I may have missed overnight. And in the opening block they throw to Natalie Morales outside St. Mary’s Hospital, who explains what it’s like to be just outside “the most watched door in the world.”


I turn to CNN, hoping I’ll get some real news there. And not only are they discussing the Royal Baby but they have a team of correspondents in two locations in London covering the story.

And just when you thought they’ve given you enough information, they throw a Google Earth-like graphic on the screen marking the car route from the Royal palace to the hospital.

Power Off. Drops remote.Grab copy

Note to TV networks, who are trying to give Americans a Tim Tebow-like hard-on with all this Royal Baby news:

We don’t care.

The world is not “literally waiting on edge,” as one network reporter explained in her report.

Not everyone is waving British flags anticipating the news. In fact one fed up elderly woman reportedly told journalists outside the hospital “why don’t you get a real [bleeping] job.”

And do I really care that the royal gynecologist is forgoing adult libations so he’ll be able to handle Kate with care upon her arrival?

Idris Elba

Idris Elba


You know what’ll make me care? If that baby comes out looking like this guy on the left, another famous figure from the UK. If that was the case, we’d really have to send Olivia Pope over to London for a major intervention. Because THAT would be the mother of all scandals.




So unless that happens I want the networks to tell me:

  • Why I’m paying $3.89 for a gallon of regular, when I paid $3.39 just over two weeks ago?
  • What the hell’s going on in Detroit, the first major city to file for bankruptcy?
  • And when’s the next airing of Sharknado on Syfy?

Here’s hoping that Kate has that Royal Baby. ¬†Quickly. So the networks can get back to doing what they do best: covering the real news that captures this nation.

It’s been a minute since I heard about what’s going on with Honey Boo-Boo.

willie lump lump says:

kate’s sister can get it! like TLC say, “we can keep it on the down, and don’t nobody have to know-hoe.”